Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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