if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
