even my farts smell like vagina
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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