u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
