Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
