I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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