I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
