How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Found the puke drawer
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
