The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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