You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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