What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
