the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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