filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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