Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
