I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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