last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
