Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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