Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
