plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
