I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I think I sprained my soul last night
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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