I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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