3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
