How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize