My sheets look like a crime scene.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
