I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
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