I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
