I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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