if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
