is your mom at the bar?
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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