Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
