So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
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