you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
