There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
