i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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