i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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