Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
