your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Found the puke drawer
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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