Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
