Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
