the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
