I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
