DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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