So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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