You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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