my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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