he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
