uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
