"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
