I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I am one with the molecules
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
