I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
