Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
