What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize