jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
