my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
