I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
