It's like God shit irony all over that family
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
