I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
