I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
