What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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