I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
