loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
