I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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