you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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