I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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