please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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